Dave And Killer And The Baby

Killer and Karina

I often find myself wondering what my cats are up to when I’m out and about. Do they talk about meaningful things or do they just sleep all day? This (semi) regular post series attempts to shed some light on what goes down when no one is around.

Today has been six months in the making! Dave and Killer discuss THE BABY!

INT. THE HARDESTY APARTMENT – DAY

A nice two-bedroom apartment that’s not in The Valley, which makes it pretty much the best apartment ever. There’s decor and stuff, but no one really reads this for the furniture description.

DAVE stares out an opened sliding glass door at the end of the living room. The only thing keeping him from sweet escape is a flimsy screen. He meows and taps the screen with his paw. It appears to be a thoughtful gesture, which is odd because Dave is an idiot.

Killer watches Dave from underneath the nearby cat tower.

KILLER

That’s not gonna do anything, you know.

DAVE

It might.

KILLER

No, it really won’t.

DAVE

I don’t see you trying to get out of here.

KILLER

The baby has finally gotten to you, huh?

DAVE

What baby?

KILLER

The one who lives here now.

Dave looks over at Killer. He doesn’t remove his paw from the screen door.

DAVE

A baby lives here? What does it look like?

KILLER

Oh, come on! You’ve seen it before. It’s smaller than us and makes all kinds of noise.

DAVE

What are you even talking about?

KILLER

It crawls on all fours like us, goes “bah bah bah bah” all the time, and has even hit you in the face.

DAVE

I would know if something hit me in the face.

Killer bristles.

KILLER

Okay. See that swing over there?

They both look at the Fisher Price Baby Swing.

DAVE

Yeah.

KILLER

What do you suppose goes in that swing?

DAVE

Sausages?

KILLER

Ye--wait. NO. What?! A baby goes in there! YOU’VE SEEN THE OWNERS PUT THE BABY IN THERE.

DAVE

So no sausages?

KILLER

A BABY, DAMNIT! It’s a baby! B-A-B-FRICKIN’-Y! BABY. INFANT. YOUNG ONE. OFFSPRING. CHILD. BABY!

DAVE

What baby?

Killer gets up, scoots over to Dave and bops him on the head with his paw before leaving.

Dave watches him go and then stares at the swing for a moment. He looks back out the screen door.

DAVE

I’m stuck.

FADE OUT:

Dave And Killer is formatted using SCRIPPETS which utilizes FOUNTAIN, a plain text markup language for screenwriting. In short, it’s pretty dope.

  • judi Koehmstedt

    I read this– and I,m not crazy ’bout cats, but I sure like babies