Dave And Killer Vs The Scratching Post

I often find myself wondering what my cats are up to when I’m out and about. Do they talk about meaningful things or do they just sleep all day? This (semi) regular post series attempts to shed some light on what goes down when no one is around. I expect there will be more of these as time goes on.

INT. JONATHAN’S APARTMENT – DAY

KILLER sits atop a scratching post, grooming himself to the best of his abilities. Clumps of fur get stuck in his mouth and he bobs his head up and down like a turkey in an attempt to dislodge the rogue hair. A history of this struggle is traceable to the other end of the living room.

DAVE trots in suddenly and makes his way to the door. He stares at that for a moment and makes his way back to where he came from.

KILLER

Hey.

Startled, Dave stops, looks around and then licks himself.

KILLER

No. Over here!

Dave looks over at Killer and jumps at the sight of the scratching post.

DAVE

What the hell is that?!

KILLER

I don’t know, but I’ve been licking myself on it for the past hour. Where have YOU been?

DAVE

I fell asleep in the litter box again.

KILLER

Whatever. You should check this out.

Dave trots over to the scratching post and looks it over.

DAVE

Can we eat it?

KILLER

I’m not sure. You should try.

Dave rubs his face on the edge of the scratching post a few times and then tries to take a bite. He shakes his head.

KILLER

Hrm. Maybe you’re supposed to scratch on it, like we do with Jon’s bedroom door.

DAVE

Heh. And he only thinks it’s me doing that!

KILLER

Go on. Give it a try.

DAVE

Give what a try?

Killer makes scratching motions with his paws.

DAVE

What?

Killer makes more elaborate scratching motions with his paws.

A moment passes.

DAVE

What?

KILLER

Dude, it shouldn’t be this difficult.

DAVE

Oh! This thing!

Dave reaches out with both paws and attempts to scratch. He gets stuck, unable to pull free from the post.

Killer jumps off the post and glares at Dave.

KILLER

Long claws aren’t so great now, are they?

Killer leaves the room.

Dave tries to disengage from the scratching post once more, but fails. His eyes widen in a panic.

DAVE

Oh right. I have to pee now.