If I Had All The Time In The World…

me being awesome

I would take a couple of hours out of my day to practice the ukulele, making up for all the time I wasted in study hall trying to kill all the hookers in Grand Theft Auto when I could have been learning how to read sheet music. I’d hone my technique in such a way that I could play almost any song by ear, which I’m sure would make me the life of any party. See, when a guy brings out a guitar at a party, he’s widely considered to be a douche. Bringing out a ukulele is considered “quirky” and people like “quirky.” Yes, if I had all the time in the world, I’d master that midget string-twanger like the badass mofo I was meant to be.

If I had all the time in the world, I would take up exercise in an attempt to better myself physically. My current state of being is a little on the embarrassing side, to put it lightly. If put to the test, I probably couldn’t run much farther than to my car before collapsing in an asthmatic heap. Now imagine if I were being chased by a giant bear. How could I expect to survive if I just fall over every hundred feet or so? The last thing I want is to be eaten by a giant bear in North Hollywood because I was out of shape.

If I had all the time in the world, I would attempt to learn German. Of course, I would learn a bunch of other languages too, but my primary focus would be mastering German. Just think, with that language under my belt I could order a beer in Germany…or find the local supermarket so I could buy a few bratwurst to have for dinner with all my German friends. Because I would have German friends. And they would like me.

Learning how to program for Android would next on my list of things to do if I had all the time in the world. I’ve always wanted to be able to come up with that killer app that everyone just creams their pants over, earning accolades from blogs I couldn’t really give two poopies about. One result of this would be an app that allows you to take screencaps of whatever you’re doing on your phone, and it wouldn’t require that you root (see:void warranty) your phone. To make things unbearably awesome, I’d offer the app for free, pretty much monopolizing the entire customer base of the current screencap app makers out there. Although, if I did all that, there’s a good chance I would have to hire a ninja bodyguard because those app makers would be out for blood. And it’s not like I’m hard to find either, thanks to my overly liberal use of Foursquare.

Oh. Yeah. I’d probably write too, but only if there was enough time left over from doing all these awesome things.